Howdy, y'all. I'm sick and fucking tired of douchebag musicians coming to shows, acting like they're hot shit, and ruining the experience for anybody who's serious. It's time to face the fact, there are certain ways to behave at local shows. I'm gonna lay down a few commandments. Here we go!!
THOU SHALT NOT PERFORM WHILST ON DRUGS OR ALCOHOL
This one should be easy. Back in the day, yeah, everybody did it. And look what happened to them. Do you want to be Keith Moon, so fucked up that they have to pull a replacement from the audience? Stay sober on stage. Drink or do your thing afterwards. You owe it to yourself, and you owe it to your band. Plus, it might make the music sound better to you, but to everyone listening who isn't an idiot, you'll just sound like shit. Guaranteed.
THOU SHALT NOT SMOKE ONSTAGE
When Keith Richards does this, it looks incredibly badass. When you do this, you look like an asshole. You also look like a total poser, and a Keith Richards wannabe (Unless of course you are Keith Richards. In which case...YOU. ARE. A. GOD.) It's the 21st century. Smoking isn't "cool" anymore. It never was. You don't look like a badass. You look like somebody who is going to die before me. Keep it off the stage.
THOU SHALT NOT THINK THAT HEADLINING MAKES YOU BETTER THAN OTHER BANDS
It doesn't. You're headlining because you have more friends than the other bands. That's it. Don't flatter yourselves. If the show starts at 8, and you go on at 11, guess what? You should show up at 8. And if you honestly show up for the soundcheck, then leave and not come back until you're on, I will never respect you again unless you have a very legitimate excuse. You're not going to support the show that you're on? Is your life really that important? The other bands are most likely standing around waiting for you. And don't tell your "fans" not to show up until you go on, either. Musicians are supposed to stick together. Support EACH OTHER. Your karma will thank you.
THOU SHALT NOT LEAVE DIRECTLY AFTER YOUR SET, EITHER
I know a band semi-personally. I've gotten them 5 shows, including their first ever gig. I don't do it because I like their music. Quite frankly, they suck. But I went to high school with them, they're my friends, and I don't mind. They do this thing that irks the shit out of me and everyone else I've talked to who's played with them. They show up, bring some "fans" (their friends,) play their set, and then they all leave. They have done this at every single show I've gotten them. Don't be them. It's the same thing as the previous rule. Support the other acts.
THOU SHALT NOT BE AN ARROGANT PRICK
Honestly, unless you are selling records or consistently getting complete strangers to come out to your shows and give you positive feedback, just get over yourself. I was in an argument with a guy in another band once, at a show. I wanted to switch set times with him (I was headlining) because most of the people there were there to see his band. I figured many would leave after they played, so I wanted to play before them. Sounds fair. But this dude wouldn't have it. He said things like "I don't even want to be here," and told me to "Get my own fans."
Woah, there, buddy. I won't give you all the details, but this was a band that I knew on a personal level. None of the people there were their fans. Know the difference between a friend and a fan. A fan is somebody who would be there even if they hated you personally. Somebody who doesn't even know you. Someone who went to your show without you asking them to. Somebody who supports you in their spare time, because THEY want to. None of your friends are your fans. None of your family are your fans. Get this through your thick, inflated heads. My next point...
THOU SHALT WANT TO BE THERE
If you don't want to play a show, DON'T FUCKING PLAY IT. The audience can tell. Your band can tell. And the show will suffer for it. You shouldn't need a reason to want to play any show. You're playing music, the most cathartic experience life has to offer! Buck up! What the fuck do you have to complain about? Again, GET OVER YOURSELF.
THOU SHALT GET OVER YOURSELF
The whole "arrogant rock star" thing is very old. Just stop. It's not befitting of anybody, it doesn't give you "attitude" and none of the things you use to inflate your ego are actually substantial. Learn how to be a mature, kind person. That personality will show so much more.
THOU SHALT NOT FLIP A SHIT OVER A BAD GIG
Every band has bad nights. Don't sweat it. If it's such a big deal, nobody will begrudge you explaining what went wrong after the show. Just keep your head in the game for the next one. Bad shows are learning experiences.
THOU SHALT HAVE A LITTLE CLASS IN YOUR STAGE SHOW/PERSONAS
I saw this band the other day, and right in the middle of a guitar solo, the singer gets on his knees and pantomimes blowing the guitar player. I think he thought everyone would laugh, but if not for their shitty music, you would've heard crickets. Shit like this is not funny, it's not cute. Furthermore, keep personal shit off the stage. Inside jokes, personal feuds...nobody knows, and nobody cares. It's not funny and it's not interesting. It's memorable only in the sense that people will remember you as "the band that has poor perception of how other people think." Lose it, and develop a real stage persona. Not just "that goof who babbles and is a lot less interesting than he thinks."
Whew. Alright, I'm almost done. Finally...
THOU SHALT REMEMBER WHAT YOU'RE THERE FOR
The audience. The crowd. They paid money to see you. So give them something to see! Make a personal connection. Make eye contact with them, talk to them (on and off the stage,) make them remember you as a human being. That'll increase their chances of remembering you infinitely. It's what you're there for, it's why we do this crazy thing. Whether it's to seek approval, or to show off, or to look for critiques, the audience is your muse. At your shows, remember that they are the only reason that you're there. Treat them with respect, and they will do the same to you. Who knows? You might even make some new friends, or learn something new. Music is about growing and learning, and the only way to do that is to remember why you're doing it. The audience.
Well folks, that's all for now. Stay tuned!
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